Ganondorf, the Constipation Eraser
by Deadaleta
Summary: It all started with that scream. That horrbily tortured scream that seemed to rip through the very fabric of space and time itself. So deep, rumbling, roaring like waves... Years later, when Link remembered that melodramatic, constipated scream from Hell itself flowing through the air, he knew what the King of Evil truly wanted from the Gods. Coarse language and grossness abound.


**Don't blame me, it was someone else's idea! DX This story is surely an abomination of God.**

**Continue, if you dare...**

**00**

It all started with that scream. That horrbily tortured scream that seemed to rip through the very fabric of space and time itself. So deep, rumbling, roaring like the waves...

When the blade pierced his chest, all he felt was immense pain. Pain that shot through his heart, to his arms and legs, to his head... Every fiber of his being. That, coupled with an even more devastating pain, made his torture. His body was on fire... Well, mostly his bowels. Such a seering pain rippled through him! Oh, it was just horrid!

Years later, when Link remembered that melodramatic, constipated scream from Hell itself flow through the air, he knew what the King of Evil truly wanted from the Gods. What his true desire was...

This king, this vile being would have only wished for one thing; for the ability to empty his intestines completely.

Now, in Hyrule, this is actually a crime atrocious. In fact, this horrible deed was unlawful throughout the entire video game universe. Why, oh why would this be? Why is not a single fictional character seen taking a shit? This is actually quite simple.

If a ficitonal character went to the bathroom(which is _just _a bathroom, no toilets exist here), all of the universes would divide by zero! What would happen then? No one knows, not even Din, Farore, and Nayru themselves. But the Sages had an idea of what would happen...

All of the universes would then collapse on each other and mend together to form one complete universe. Who knows what that single existant universe would be like! No, they could not take the chance! And so, with a quick decision, a cup of coffee, a random sense of the great Demon King rising again-que exasperated sigh-, and a quick trip to the general store to get more Doritos, they teleported to the Hero's home.

What? The lack of Doritos is a sin, damn it, don't look at me like that! And you MUST _ALWAYS _have a quick cup of coffee before doing anything! Otherwise it is impossible to get it done! The powers of coffee are even-no, _far _greater than the Goddesses' powers... Don't ask why they keep changing from Gods to Goddesses. They just do.

Outside of the young man's house, the faceless five etheral beings stood. Their creepy gazes landed to the cliff that Link's place is resting on. They looked to one another. Then to the thing made with two polls and several smaller poll thingies laying against the cliff thingy.

"... Sage of Spirit, what do you think this is?" The Sage of Light tilted his head to the side, examining this strange invention. The Sage of Spirit shook his... her... Okay, they are all 'it's from now on. The Sage of Spirit shook its head exasperatedly.

"How the heck do you expect me to know?! We haven't been outside of the Arbiter's Grounds for several millenia, I don't remember anything before it!" The Sage of Earth walked up to the weird useless-looking piece of junk.

"It's made of wood... Hey, wasn't there one like this in the 'Grounds, but we never used it, nor figured out how to?" It poked the decidedly wooden... wood... thing.

"I don't know, but," the Sage of Fire suddenly started dancing and jumping up and down, "LET'S KILL IT!"

The poor wooden victim of the pyro sage spontaneously burst into flames, becoming immediatly charred. The other sages just shrugged, and started stabbing it with their glowy spirit swords. Bits and pieces of charred wood were flung in every direction, one catching the mask of the Sage of Shadow in the eye.

"FUCKING SHIT BALLS, IT'S A MONSTER! DISPELL OF IT AT ONCE! AND GET THIS THING OUT OF MY EYE! AAAAAH!"

**0ONE LAZY ASS TRANSITION LATER0**

"HERO!"

"WAH!" A thud resounds as a twenty-eight year old man falls on his face before the sages. Wondering where the hell he came from, they look up.

"Did you just fall through that grate thing?" Link grumbles as he sits cross-legged, carressing his now very much so bloody nose. He opens his mouth to reply, but is interrupted when the Sage of Fire points at the two ladders leading to the upper parts of his home, the other sages slightly trembling.

"It is another one of those demons! DISPELL OF IT! IT IS GOING TO MURDER HYRULE'S ONLY HOPE!" Link stares, eye-twitching and nose running like a bloody waterfall, as four of the sages advance on the poor, innocent object. The Sage of Light, the one who kept its distance, suddenly shouted to them.

"Wait! This is the perfect opportunity to test the Hero's skills! Hero, take sword in hand and prove to us and yourself that you are up to the new quest you are about to embark on!"

"..." He gives an incredulous look to the strange group of apparently insane "people" that barged into his house. They nod and gesture to his chest-which they somehow know is where he stored the sword Rusl made-expectantly. He sighs and walks over to it. "I can't believe I'm going to have to carve out another two ladders... More splinters for the poor hero... I'll never get any rest..."

With sword in hand, he gazes up to the ladders, and back to the sages. _Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill THEM instead..._

"Because the Goddesses would curse your immortal soul and throw you into the depths of Hell for doing so. Now, hop to it, Chosen One!" Raising his sword to end the non-existant life of the ladder, Link sighs. _Of course they have telepathic powers. Of course I have to kill my ladder. Of course, of course, of course..._

With each repeated "of course" in his mind, he brings his sword down, and splinters fly everywhere, again catching the Sage of Shadows in the mask.

"FUCK! CAN'T YOU KILL THAT DAMNED THING MORE CALMLY, PLEASE?!" With a short growl, Link throws his sword to the ground, the loud resounding clatter startling the sages into hiding in verious places. Under his table, behind a pot, behind a very small and not very concealing picture, behind the chest, in his basement... The last hiding place having the Sage of Shadow screeching, "gah! ANOTHER ABOMINATION OF THE GODS!"

"OH MY GODDESSES, I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU, DON'T I?!" Their heads pop out of their hiding places, nodding aggresively. "Why couldn't you do your own crap yourselves?! In fact, why couldn't the Goddesses do this?! THEY ARE THE GODDESS DAMN GODDESSES," he screams, completely redder than red in the face. I guess that means he's purple.

"But of _course_ you have to do everything! That's why you're the Hero! You're basically Hyrule and its creator's errand boy!" A glare with the heat of one million suns was cast upon the Shadow Sage. "Urk... Okay, fine, we'll make it easier. We are going to teleport you to where the newly awakened Ganondorf now is... But it won't be pretty..."

"Wait, Ganondorf's back?! What the hell was the last que-" Link, about to choke the poor sage to death, was inturrupted when he split apart into millions of particles like the ones Midna was split into when she said good-bye and was teleported away. Sparklingly and shiningly. To where was our hero teleported?

A land that is forbidden to be tread upon, even by the Gods... Or Goddesses... Or whatever the term for higher deities with nothing or both "things" between their legs is...

**0One trip to a 20th century collectible's store later0**

"I don't know why or HOW the hell I got this stupid thing, but it sure is a piece of crap... I mean, why the fuck did it eat itself to death?! Fucking Tamagotchi! I didn't starve you that much! ... I think!"

Currently wandering through a strange building of which Link has never seen anything like before, he throws the poor little collectible to the side and draws his sword. _I've been wandering in this stupid place for the past three hours! I've checked every room, every hallway, every window! No one is here... Those sages are trolling me, I know it! Or maybe... There are a few places I haven't checked yet..._

The boys' bathroom... and the girls'. Except this wasn't just the typical bathroom of this world... No... This one...

Had the accursed urinals and toilets! Link nearly throws up just thinking about it.

_Oh my Goddesses, Gods, and everything in between... If he's in there, then he must be-!_

Understanding the direness of the situation at hand, with widened eyes and panicking steps, he makes a beeline for the closest bathroom. He checks all of them-every stall, every corner, both genders... And he still can't find him! _WHERE IS THAT CONSTIPATED BASTARD, DAMNIT?!_

Boots skidding on the ground, sparks flying at the amazingly impossible speeds he's darting, hat magically staying where it is but flopping like it's having a seizure on steroids nontheless, he finally comes across the last bathroom... And it's the girls'. Nontheless, panting, he kicks the door down with all of his might, startling a certain trying-to-take-a-shit Evil Overlord in the last stall in the corner. He shivers in fear, knowing that he will soon be caught in his plans.

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, YOU PIECE OF DAMNED HORSE PUCKY?!" Enraged at the thought that the Evil Overlord would dare try to make the universe cave in like a piece of crap diving into toilet bowl water, he kicks each stall, not even caring if the sight he will see will be the most disturbing thing known to man.

Ever so haunting battle music starts playing from nowhere. Thunder roars as the lightning cracks through the sky. The wind howls like Link a decade ago. And when he kicks the last stall... He screams in fright.

**WE ARE GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK AWAY NOW. THE NEXT SCENE MAY BE VERY DISTURBING TO... WELL, ALL VIEWERS. IMAGINE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WRITING IT.**

Ganondorf is already about to destroy the universe, a speck of brown hanging from his asshole! As if the image of Ganondorf on the crapper wasn't disturbing enough, not to mention the _smell!_ Link coughed and coughed as he brought up his sword.

Ganondorf's wide, fear-filled eyes suddenly relax as a menacing grin fills his face. He smirks up at Link.

"You intend to end me with that pitiful blade? HAH! Boy, do you not know? The only way to kill me is with the Master Sword, the Blade of Evil's Bane itself!" Link's eyes widen in horror. _What? Oh no... What have I done..?! How could I forget, damn it?!_

"Hehe. Yes... there is no time to fetch that extraordinary stick of justice now! For once... For the first time! My plans will be complete! I will create a new universe, and rule it above everyone who may survive, or be re-created out of nothing! Haha! Hahahahaha!"

He summons a golden barrier which morphs into chains to hold poor Link against the stall. For the record, his nose is still broken and bleeding. Just thought I'd let you know. He is now forced to watch in horror as the witness to the collapsation of all of the worlds...

"N-no... Please, don't make me watch... Oh, Goddesses! Please, spare me this sight! It's so gross, I swear I'm going to throw up my lunch!" His sword drops with a torturous clang as tears sting Link's eyes. Everyone he loves and hates will die... And he will have to endure a painful experience worse than death... His thoughts linger on his loved ones... His soon-to-be-dead loved ones...

"Hehe, then you'll be vomiting your stomach along with your meal with this!"

_Oh, no... Please, no!_

Dragmire pushes. And pushes. And _pushes. _And with one final anal shove, his bowels _roar!_ I mean, seriously, you can feel the ground trembling under his mighty rectal cry! Brown squishy many-milennia old stones fall into the girls' oval office with the plunks of a man who hadn't crapped before, even in his past lives. Around the globe, people cough and choke on the horrendous odors, from Yoshi on his island to Marth in Altea!

**OKAY, NOW IT'S REEEEAAAALLLY GOING TO GET BAD. I WARNED YOU... DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE, TURN AWAY **_**NOW!**_

In the stall, a green fog pours from the evil man's bowels, and our poor hero does, in fact, literally vomit up his pink squishy stomach! In a delirious fit, he accidentally bites down on it, severing it from his body, flewids pouring everywhere. His eyes roll back, and he dies... right there in that stall... Blood pouring from a pink tube-like thing in his mouth... Watching Ganondorf shit. Ew.

But right now, that is the least of our problems. Just above the building, a perfect o-shaped hole has ripped through the dimensions, and other uncountable worlds are visible... and seeping through that hole.

Ganondorf cackles madly at the terrifyingly wonderous sight. He looks around him as light and matter bends from the sheer might of the hole. It twirls and twists into little whirlpools of implosion, until-

_**CRACK-! CCrrrrrrr...**_

The world splits... The fabric of time stretches and rips...

And then there was nothing but black. Black, and Ganondorf Dragmire. All alone. He smiles to himself. He pushes one last time...

0TRANSITION0

"And THAT, kids, is how the big bang happened! Any questions?"

A teacher stands by a chalkboard with a lazor pointer in hand, his gaze drifting lazilly across a very shocked and disturbed class of third graders. The stupid one in the front, the one not affected by the sheer traumatising grossness of it all, raises his hand.

"Yes, Roy," the teacher sighs. That dumbass will be the death of him.

"How come we can poop?" Suddenly the class perks up. They all tilt their heads as if it would make them understand better. That was actually a rather good question.

"... Because magic, that's how!"

"But magic doesn't exist," another kid-Ike-counters. They start glaring at their crappy mentor.

"Yes it does, now shut up stupid before I come over there and stick this pencil up your ass!" They all quiet, no one raising their hands.

The new reincarnation of Link raises his hand.

"Yes, Link?" He sighs, pushing up his glasses as the small kid dressed in a green sweater and blue jeans stands up.

"Does that make Ganondorf God?" The teacher nods, exasperated at the fact that he must answer the questions of these stupid mini-people. The kid sits down, tongue sticking out at the fact that the universe was made by an old man taking a crap.

The spirit of Ganondorf suddenly takes over Link's mind somehow, and he stands up again.

"What now, Link?"

"Amen to the shits, brother!"

**00**

**Why? Why did I have to write this? Just... Just why?**

**Ganondorf: I am your God!**

**I have author powers!**

**Ganondorf: I am going to shut up!**

**Thank you!**


End file.
